Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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