We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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