Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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