Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
