Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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