I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
