and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
