i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
