you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
