i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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