Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
