Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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