I love black thongs
I want to have your abortion
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize