watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what day is it and did you see me today?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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