A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
