yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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