Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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