Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
