I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
