If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
