Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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