It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
