I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
