she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
