I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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