He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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