Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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