the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
