as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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