theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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