Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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