I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
