dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Holy sore nipples Batman
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
