He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
