i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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