So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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