His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
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When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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