I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
