every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
