pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
