you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
