I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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