Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
