Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
