someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i believe in u and ur pee
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