The maid of honor just puked.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
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im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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