I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
