my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
