imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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