sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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