kristin has been a bad kristin
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
