after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
